Three weeks ago I had a plan, details lined up in perfect formation, creating a straight path. Except for that one niggling little element that kept barging into my orderliness.
Persistent nudging, a suggestion growing more intrusive by the day. I gave in. I took the steps to explore that little detail and get it out of my mind, once and for all.
Two weeks ago, my plan started growing a few little fissures, cracks in my path. Certainty sliding towards unease.
Last week, that niggling little item defied me and took on a life of its own, scattered my nice linear arrangement. A bomb that cratered my perfect little plan, leaving me to explore an unanticipated road.
And here I sit today, precarious; teetering and scrambling, praying and reaching out. Looking for answers that will balance logic and practical against the visceral emotion of call.
Itching for the comfort and confidence of the control I actually thought I held. Knowing that those C’s are unattainable and that I must trust.
Prayers answered in weather that keeps me housebound, plenty of time for reflection, exploration, maybe even some action.
Its no secret that I’ve been a hospice volunteer for over a decade now. I continue to see my little piece of involvement in end of life care as a privilege and a gift. I know that when my feelings change, it’ll be time to move on to something else. But I’m not there yet. Even after all these years, sometimes I experience a goosebumps moment.
Recently, I regularly spent time with a bedridden patient and sat with her while her husband got out of the house and ran a few errands. He’d visit with me a bit, make sure she was settled, assure her he’d be back shortly. Then he’d take off to take care of the little things that we don’t even think about. Little things become a logistical issue when you’re a full-item caregiver. While he was gone, she and I would visit until she tired, then she’d rest. I’d stay close, within touching range, in her line of sight, and I’d read a book until he returned. She always woke up when he returned.
One visit, while she was sleeping, he initiated a frank conversation about her death and his own life after she was gone. He said he’d be okay if she just died in her sleep one night, and that their sons would be around to keep an eye on him. And he promised me that he’d take care of himself, that he’d be okay.
The next week, while he was out, she spoke to me about how her husband and sons would manage without her. She said she knew they’d be heartbroken and lonely, but that it would be okay anyhow. She told me she was finally going to see her son again – the one who’d died in a horrific accident decades ago. She said she’d see me again, but neither of us said “next week”. She drifted off to sleep and I stayed by her side, holding her hand feeling bones and warmth and heartbeat beneath delicate skin . Her eyes fluttered open as her husband returned from his appointment. This tiny little bedridden woman flashed me to most brilliant smile then turned her gaze towards him.
We chatted for a bit, then my visit time ended and I prepared to leave. I leaned down over the hospital bed, she and I shared a gentle hug. I turned towards her husband, standing right there. Instead of releasing me from our hug, he pulled me closer, over to her bed. He placed my hand on her shoulder. He said we were going to sing together, God Be With You Till We Meet Again. I’m sorry to admit I didn’t know the words. So I hummed along and listened as she gathered enough breath to get a few of the lyrics out. He, a man very near his ninth decade, sang with the voice of youth. He sang with strength, and sorrow, and utter faith and trust. We ended the song with tears in our eyes, and we said goodbye.
Then, as he did every single week, he asked if I’d taken a look at the literature he’d left for me. Photos and testimonials and pamphlets for a miracle health product which had saved his life. Yes, it was an amway product pitch, each and every visit. That slightly awkward multi-level marketing opportunity provided us a transition from this confidential little life story back to the day-t0-day of the world around us. Plus, you know, it was an amazing opportunity, too.
As I headed towards my car, I heard the click of the deadbolt, just as I’d heard each and every week since I’d starting seeing these two. In the car, I paused before starting the ignition. I reminded myself that goodbyes are part of the deal when spending time with people who are dying. I took a few breaths, gathered my composure, and mustered up some patience for the inevitable highway traffic I was about to face. And I drove off.
Later, I contacted the hospice office and asked for an update on the patient’s condition. I was told that her decline continued but there was no evidence that her passing was imminent. Of course, we never can tell for certain, but there were no changes that would suggest she would die very soon.
But she knew. And he knew. And so did I.
We knew I’d never again enter that overheated room, where she liked the drapes closed for privacy. That I wouldn’t hear about their farm, long since sold, or sift through and admire photos of children and grandchildren. I knew that I’d never again gently deflect his requests for me to share marketing materials with all my friends. We knew that we’d not have another opportunity to thank one another for the gift of our time together.
So I took several posts to share my plans for the New Year. My resolutions, if you will. Then I sort of fell off the virtual earth. Been awfully quiet around here, I know. So, after taking a peek back at what I said, I think it is only fair to share what I actually did. Here we go.
I’ll start right away with That Temperature Scarf. I’ll admit I did get a bit behind. I used my most recent road trip as an excuse. Who wants to haul 8 balls of yarn around? In any case, I found a great website, wunderground. It’s a weather site, and the fun part is that people who have home weather stations can post all kinds of weather-related activity. So, I found one right near my house, and, funny world that we live in, I actually know the folks who are sharing their data. She’s a talented (read: published) novelist and they have two super-smart sons. Daughter used to play tennis with the older one, back in the day. But I digress. I printed up a blank calendar, and, from their weather station, I jot down the high and low temperature for each day. Since each day is only two short rows of knitting (it is a scarf, after all), I sit down every week or two and get the needles going. Since it was so cold, I decided to make a daily low scarf. Perhaps later I’ll make another for high temps. I’m pleased to say not only is January complete, but based on one month’s worth of stitches, it looks like my scarf-of-lows will be a bit long, but not freakishly so.
Good for me!
Now, let’s talk about Taming the Paper. I’m proud to say my kitchen counter is clear, the shredder is busy and I fill my recycle bin each week. I do have a couple of paper projects to finish. I need to send that registration paperwork for Rosy the Therapy Dog (and AKC Canine Good Citizen!).
A bunch of bill-paying is set to automatic now, wish I’d done that ages ago. Taxes are nearly done, FAFSA will be finished right after Uncle’s stuff gets e-filed. What is FAFSA, you say? Lucky you! Someday when your offspring head off to college, you’ll know the pleasure and pain of FAFSA. Simply put, FAFSA is an annual online entry of a bunch of information you’ve already shared with the IRS. Your child(ren) don’t get any financial aid if FAFSA isn’t done. Magazine piles are gone – yay me! Why am I still getting magazines? Oh well, they’ll all expire eventually. I’m using all the time I’m saving to plan a big trip. Anyone have good hints on cheap car rentals in Europe?
So far, so good!
Those Genealogy Files. Well, I’d kind of vowed to go through and remove errors and get everything organized and beautiful. I made some progress, I really did! I’ve got an indexed list of everybody and another list of all the things that need rechecking. I’ve added a bunch of photos to dead people’s profiles. I made it through a major genealogical panic when it looked like my software was going kaput, and found a solution and rode out that storm with only a few chewed fingernails. I’ve backed up and got caught up on correspondence.
But the occasional search is just way too tempting. And how can you deny me the pleasure of finding treasures like this? I mean, honestly, this is just too fascinating to let go. I’m not exactly sure who she is, but I’m almost certain she’s related to my great-grandfather. This clipping is from 1948. So, not only must I find some time to figure out exactly who she is, but I must, must do a little digging and see if they found out why she died after eating a hamburger. Did she choke? Was she poisoned? Did the counter clerk hit her over the head with a brick for non-payment? Seriously, this merits attention. Then I’ll get right back to organizing and cleaning my genealogy files, I promise.
Now, about that long list of Random Resolutions. There were twenty of them. I won’t bore you with every detail, but I have managed to keep on top of 18 of them. I even scheduled the damn mammogram. It is so very difficult to not yell at the tv, what with this being an election year, but I’m trying. I’d say 50% success on that one. I’ve blown it completely on baking cookies more often. In my defense, however, I’ve been getting my fanny to the gym and just snagged a treadmill. Why would I bake cookies when I’m working so hard to remove the sweets deposited on my hips? I will make a batch soon, and it will go straight in a box to be sent to Daughter at college. My plants are watered, I knit and write and read nearly every day, and I watch His shows without whining too much. And I’m giving that forgive thing a great effort. I’d say mostly a win on Resolutions 2016.
Granted, it is only February. I may have to revisit this in a couple of months.
function sp_rgpd_message($html) {
return "my custom user consent message";
}
add_filter('seopress_rgpd_message', 'sp_rgpd_message');
ree weeks ago I had a plan, details lined up in perfect formation, creating a straight path. Except for that one niggling little element that kept barging into my orderliness.
My friend.
I’m not exactly sure who she is, but I’m almost certain she’s related to my great-grandfather. This clipping is from 1948.